making a connection

Sometimes it’s hard to really make a connection between H and I, just like it is between any two people and I suppose and is just like life. We both get so caught up in our individual pursuits which we don’t really want any help with as we want to do them and in our way. H totally knows how to find things to amuse her self and when ever I ask what she is doing I get such a long and detailed explanation which shows me what she is physically doing is only the tip of the iceberg. How much of these times is she choosing her own projects because she can’t reach me? I am so bogged down with jobs, the mess, my to do list… What is she learning? Sometimes she gets cross with me and she says she “is soo bad” and I “am so perfect” when I get cross about her mess making. She is right in that so much that happens is my choice and is done my way….. and I do have my ways…

Helena notices we aren’t connecting as much as we use to when she was little. While we were painting this mural together she said “it’s nice us doing things together.” Sometimes I see her watching and wanting to make a connection but I am tired or just about to make dinner and she doesn’t want to help me do what she feels is a job. Sometimes I feel that the only time we are laughing together is about TV, especially Taskmaster. I guess that’s why TV is such a thing in people’s lives.

We are now in the habit of doing both doing our own thing. What is she learning? I remember my mum being too busy and trying to make a connection with her. I find I am being someone I don’t want to be… I am saying “no” a lot, I am regulating her TV watching, what food she eats and when. It sucks and I don’t want to. Roll on holidays and being away and no “jobs”.

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