when things are hard

Things are hard at the moment. Some of this is due to me breaking my wrist on my dominant hand so I can’t do any of the things that take me outside my self, no making and doing and somehow that affects even the thinking about it… I can’t even bike or drive off into the sunset and there is a nagging ache. Menopause is so not helping, though I seem to be back on a regular period section of my trip (prefer trip to journey, sounds bumpier) as I am moody and lack emotional resources. Helena seems to pick up on this and when I am at the bottom somewhere she also becomes less rational, sometimes I think we share hormones. Today I spat the dummy over homeschooling and reverted to school back in the day. I made her write. I’ve given her a to do list or she’ll have to do it Friday night instead of a movie. I gave her spelling. I gave her a maths problem. I said she had to do two pages in her nature book (that I’ve put a rubber band on so she can only open it on the two to do). I was feeling a lack of direction. Helena is not a compliant person, this is good, she really wants to be the one leading but she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know and I often just don’t understand the why and what she is getting out of her self directed tasks. I can’t tell if she is moving forward. I can’t see if she is getting new input. I heard a radio interview where a 19 year old talked about the importance of having a mentor. I know that that can’t always be me for Helena. Setting her ‘work’ is a clumsy way of attempting to add new input and disappointingly schoolish. I feel I should do better but this week the tank is empty. Helena liked the spelling and did more than required but then learning to spell was one of her goals. The problem solving maths gave me interesting feedback on her thinking. It was OK and we will not be scarred by this.

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